He leaves a whiff, a glance, and a chatty line or two as he passes by, and you start to think of him with increasing fascination.

He can be anyone. A colleague, a boss, a fellow worker, a family friend or a neighbour. He can also be your best friend’s husband! Yep…it happens all the time, so let’s skip the unnecessary ethics and moral stories, and come to the point that we are talking about a ‘Married Lover’ here.

He is a much-married man who has suddenly put your emotions aflutter despite your skepticisms. You might have debated endlessly with your friends in the past at the immorality of such relationships, throwing careless judgments at ‘such foolish women’ who fall for a married guy. But the fact is that the world is full of ordinary mortals like you and I, who are fully capable of making foolish mistakes in a hurry, and repent at leisure.

What happens when he is another woman’s man?

He seems more appealing, as he already has a woman who has some hold over him and it gives you a certain high that he is ‘falling for you…’

He is attentive, flirty, and very flattering to your sense of being a desirable woman and he gives you subtle signals. You gravitate towards him despite yourself. The inevitable happens, and you start to exchange those meaningful glances.

One fine day you meet, and he may tell you stories of his unhappy married life…or he may choose to tell you that he is very happy with his marriage, loves his wife a lot and he really can’t analyse why he feels this ‘something’ for you.

You revel secretly at your ‘mysterious charms’ and ‘irresistible qualities’ that have driven such a ‘faithful, loyal and so much in love with his wife’ husband to feel that ‘something’ for you.

The Indefinable X-tra

You may be feeding your lonely self with the warm feeling of having a man riveted on you, and might be imagining unconditional love in days to come; but for him you are that X factor in his life, and in most cases than one he is fully aware of what he wants, how much he wants and how far he is going to go with you. The ‘unavailable man’ is available to you, but on his terms, at his pace, and at his own convenience. He may say ‘I love you’ during one of his moments, but what next? How far is he ready to take this love with you? Will it go beyond the silent walls of that remote hotel, flat, or love nest?

When he says he loves you –

The point is that you have just found a man who is ready to sleep with you any time, but he may not be ready to wake up with you! Nevertheless, you are beyond care as your heart is filled with unbridled love for him, and your desire to give and receive attention is leading you into a state where reality and fantasy are indiscernible.

You don’t pay heed to warnings of friends and well-wishers. They appear to you as prejudiced or jealous. You send passionate text messages to him while he is at work.

He reads them, enjoys them, and never answers them. He plays safe.

What it means to him…and to you

This relationship is a fancy escape that feeds his already engorged ego. He tells you how he feels suffocated and unhappy with his wife, but the fact is that at the end of the day, he might be quite okay with the idea of having the woman back home as his wife, and would not really want to replace her! But while he is having family holidays, social get-togethers, and spending the nights with his wife, you are left alone staring at the silent phone.

He loves you …but doesn’t want to

Most of the time, the man is lying! You may never come to know that he lets her take over the reins, the control buttons and the responsibility of the relationship, and sits back and enjoys the drive, or in other words cheats at her back. If he did not love it, he would have left her long time ago! He will speak about making ‘compromises’, but he is only a smart guy who is having the best of both worlds.

His safe sanctuary…and your trap

At home, he has a wife. Outside home, he has free sex available to him at his wish and command. He has a passionate lover in you and a sweet romance to colour his drab domesticated life, without any demands of commitment. In your overriding wish to be the best in his eyes, you become even more ‘non- demanding, nice, sweet and a perfect lover’ in your hurry to add something special in the ‘pitiable life’ of a man ‘suffering’ with a ‘tyrannical woman’.

Dancing in the dark

In most cases it stands true that he will never leave his wife. And if there are children, then he is at the safest position of not having to leave her.

In a relationship of this kind, your dynamics are in total contrast with each other.

You are dancing partners, but you are not in tune with each other’s rhythm and steps.

It is a definite ‘cha-cha-cha’ where each person is moving backwards and forwards without quite meeting the other, leaving lots of unhappiness, hurts, disappointment and loneliness in between.

No future beckons

You had created a secret world, and you reveled in the secrecy and details of this affair, but as time goes by, you wish for security and a sense of belonging. You have opened your feelings and your body to a man, and you crave for an emotional ambiance and assurance about the ongoing possibility of this relationship. You do feel the emptiness, the non-existent future, and a sense of ennui starts to build up.

The impasse

In this ‘book of love’ the chapters are unscripted, and like a fiction writer, you must decide the theme, background, characters and the end you want for this love story. It is not easy, but is also not as difficult as it seems. It only requires you to choose better standards for yourself and develop a great deal of self-love. Only self-love, and refusal to settle for anything less would save you from deadlock of such a kind.

Source by Nazia Mallick